SnowGhost Music

Remember Larry? He was the guy you knew and periodically hung out with in high school, but you lost touch with him pretty much the moment you graduated. You had friends in common, maybe even a couple of memories where you guys really connected, but for some reason or another, you just couldn't stay in touch. And then 10 years later, you end up sharing a cubicle with him at your new job. As soon as he opens his mouth, the questions begin forming: Was my head that far up my ass back then, or maybe Larry has only recently joined the league of morons? Should I deny that I am myself and ignore him, or just quit now and run? I still have dreams of becoming wise, but is it possible that I have socially and mentally deteriorated, completely unbeknownst to myself, just as Larry so clearly has? Needless to say, it is disheartening and confusing when you come across someone or something that has figured out a way to go backwards really fast.

Larry, of course, does not exist. He is simply an incredibly unimaginative metaphor, and to avoid any further confusion, we will simply refer to him as the radio. To be more specific, we will call him FM radio. I was never a huge radio fan, but I did often find myself tuned, whether my tape player was eating instead of playing, or i just got sick of all my CDs, or if I had a job where we could listen to the radio. Let's call this era the mid-nineties, in a pretty large city. We had a college station that would play some good stuff, the standard top 40 outlet, the 'she's only rock n' roll' station, the classic rock, the rap, the waiting room soundtrack, the country, the dance, and the classical. I may have complained about certain songs, or all of them, but at least there was variety, as well as the likelihood of never hearing the same song within the hour. I actually even heard a few songs that got me interested enough to go out and buy music. CD and cassette and I, we hung out all the time, but we were cool with radio. He was usually invited to the party. And then we kind of lost touch.

But these past few weeks, I've been working with radio, and by God he absolutely sucks. Terrible. Unlistenable. The only things I can stand, aside from NPR, are certain morning shows that do not play music. And it doesn't necessarily matter what city you are in or what type of music you like. I've been up and down, left and right on very long road trips, and I'm still looking for a station that can keep me from grumbling obscenities for more than three songs. I understand that there are some good ones out there. If you're lucky enough to live within its frequency, then tune in lucky listener, but for the average person in the average city, we are stuck with Larry.

And if you are stuck in tight quarters with someone, you are more or less forced to get to know them. So I've gotten to know FM radio. I've been across his whole bandwidth and back, and I have nothing to show for it, other than the following depressing observations:

1. Rock n' roll apparently sucks. If you actually like 3 Doors whatever, Stain, Godcrap (the names have been misnamed with a sneer), or all the other bands that are essentially simply doing what they think it takes to make money (and of course they are right), then radio is your iPod. But if you don't work at Guitar Center, you realize that there is a whole world of Rock that goes completely unnoticed. Yes, most of it comes from Indie labels, guys without wardrobes or guitars with their names on them, bands from other countries, or from people you've never heard of. Some people would try and call this alternative, but Radio uses that label for anything that isn't in the top 40, but might be soon. To give you an example, Creed might be heard on an 'alternative' station. Some call it Indie, but that only describes the way the music is distributed. All these labels (not record labels) are just a way for the radio to justify its own ridiculous formatting. How is Saliva rock and Built to Spill not? They both feature electric guitars and singing and general cranking up of some kind. The main difference I can tell is that one band is derivative and mindless while the other sounds like Neil Young just got younger and more dangerous. How is Evanescence rock and Band of Horses not? Again, mostly the same set of instruments and similar effects. One band sounds like seasickness and the other one sounds warm, mysterious, and symphonic. And radio chooses seasickness. And while it is true that more Americans probably have seasickness on their iPod than anything worth listening to, it's because radio isn't giving them any choice. The major labels hand feed Clear Channel the tunes they think will make them the most money, and thus they define the entire genre with a few cookie cutter bands that follow the rules and stick to the format (this is true for most radio station formats). So as far as we know, according to the radio, rock n' roll may very well be dead. It's actually alive and well, just living by a different name. But for the sake of this ongoing diatribe, lets just say it is, so that we may look to the past for help. But...

2. Classic Rock consists of 3 songs per each classic artist, giving us a library of 152 different songs to play. The exceptions include the Beatles, the Stones, the Who, and a few other British Invasion era bands who get an additional 3 songs to be played on Oldies stations. Growing up today you might think that Aerosmith wrote Dream On right before they unleashed Dude Looks Like a Lady (and Steven Tyler hit puberty in between), or that the Kinks had one album. I understand that most of the bands from the golden age of rock are no longer making music, much less breathing, and that some songs are clearly better than others. But I'm curious to hear if Procol Harum has any other songs, or if MC5 were as good as everybody always says they were. Classic rock actually has evolved and expanded (some even refer to it now as 'Heritage Rock'), but in all the wrong ways. The heritage gates have swung inward to include '80s hair metal so that you are now likely to hear Def Leppard pouring some sugar right after Steve Miller calls himself Maurice for the 2 trillionth time. We should be welcoming the Ramones, Talking Heads, and the Pixies, but we get welcomed to the jungle instead. Now I can look forward to hoping they follow up Sweet Home Alabama with Motley Crue's instant classic Home Sweet Home. Sweet indeed.

3. Nobody listens to classical music anymore.

4. The top 40 can be played in its entirety every hour within the hour. This does not mean they play 40 songs in an hour. It just means that they will repeat certain songs literally within an hour, leading you to believe that they have run out of songs. Though payola schemes (bribe money from record companies to radio companies) are being phased out (more on this in upcoming blogs), it is clear that radio wants you take notice of certain songs. Do you remember where you were the first time you heard Outkast's Hey Ya? Then you probably remember the second time too, because it occurred approximately 48 minutes later on the same station. You might even notice that the same ads are replayed every break. It's almost as if the stations are being run by robots to be played to people with limited attention spans. What a crazy notion! And yet top 40 stations may well provide you with the widest variety of music you will hear at any one station.

5. I have no idea about the current state of country radio, other than it seems to spread like cancer. As far as I know, country radio may be exactly as it was when Garth Brooks and Brooks and Dunn ruled the airwaves, if that was ever the case. I know it's very popular and lots of people enjoy it, but I personally cannot handle it. I love old Hank Williams and Patsy Cline, but I'm sorry for what has happened to country music since. I know it can be very clever and downright folksy, but I can't stand to hear songs sung in country accents by people who don't even have them when they talk. But I have heard from my sources that country music is getting younger and more dynamic, and radio stations may reflect this, but I bet it's just as repetitive as top 40. I'm just unwilling to actually find out.

6. Rap is dead. Just ask Nas. Hip hop radio has always been repetitive, but back in the day it had the excuse of being not as popular, so there weren't as many songs to go around. Now it's repetitive because it all sounds the same. Again, I blame radio for putting out the same flavors every month and ignoring the acts doing things differently. I can understand that people can enjoy dancing to Reggaeton and stuff by people like Sean Paul, but to actually call it Hip Hop and listen to it when you're not liquored up and sweat gyrating with other liquored-up sweaters is crazy to me. As is the case with rock radio, rap radio only covers the continent of sure-fire mindless hits while ignoring the rest of the world. Kanye West and Jay-Z are undeniably talented and for the most part put out solid music, but there are hundreds of guys out there with better beats and messages (and even deliveries) that no one will ever hear. So while there seem to be more rap acts receiving airplay than ever before, the variety in sound and message has never been narrower. This is not good for the vitality of Hip Hop.

7. DJs are nothing more than bad jokes and soothing voices. I may be dreaming, but I'm pretty sure that radio deejays used to have distinct personalities, and in many cases, their shows were based on the music that they liked. A lot of times, they even had a great deal of knowledge about the music, or were even actual musicians. I know that there are still plenty of these people left, but outside of college stations and low-frequency or public radio, you won't find them. Most DJs sound like they are simply pushing one or two buttons and know and care more about the ads or promotions they read than the music they play. I remember actually being creeped out by the recorded and seemingly inhuman voice of the nameless DJ the first time I listened to satellite radio, but now I would definitely prefer it. In fact, satellite radio and internet radio sound more than just a good idea at this point. They sound like radio.